I was never the kind of gal that dreamed of being a mom, in fact when I was younger the thought of having children was the last thing I had ever planned for my life. I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to get married, I wanted to live by the sea but becoming a parent...no way! Whenever I was asked if we would have kids I always answered, "kids are not in our plan unless suddenly we are visited by an angel in the middle of the night who tells us it's time to start a family"...in other words... NO!
And then something changed...no I was not visited by an angel but at age thirty-five, after dealing with some really heavy stuff going on around us, Andy and I literally woke up one day and wanted a family. We were both on the same page (miraculously) and decided to give it a go- better late than never! A few months later I was pregnant, scared and suddenly questioning our decision. I had spent thirty-five years of my life never thinking about kids. Never considering what it means to raise a child, how much it costs, what life would look like, what it would mean for our marriage, my job, our future, my identity or what it would take to bring a little person into the mix. Somehow I pushed past all my fears and trusted there was a plan for us. A plan bigger than my inexperience, bigger than my insecurities and bigger than my fears.
And that plan was made clear the day Lucy was born. I'm not gonna lie and say that all my worries melted away when I held her for the first time, because they didn't. In fact my fear grew even more intense during those early days and I still struggle (deeply) with fear and worry. But something happened to me that is hard to put into words and is very likely something that only my fellow mamas out there understand. Pregnancy, birth and taking care of a child strangely felt right to me- which is crazy because I spent so many years not wanting motherhood. Suddenly, I felt like I was fulfilling my destiny and becoming the person I was meant to be.
And while there has been tons of juggling, many challenges and lots of learning in the last two years, becoming a mother has been the single most wonderful experience of my life. It makes me smile to think back to my younger self who thought having kids wasn't right for her- boy was that gal wrong! I am so happy that I changed my mind, closed my eyes and took a big leap into motherhood because I cannot imagine my life without Lucy in it- she is the best thing that has happened to me.
dress:forever21 cardigan:old navy shoes:ugg tote:made by me from old curtains