Sunday, August 17, 2008

The List

Life has felt really strange lately- honestly I have had a rough couple of weeks- I have had one foot in my work life and another in my life as an artist- quite honestly it has taken a toll on me- transitioning into a new job, working on art, trying to catch up with stuff, maintaining a personal life, keeping up my work-out feels like too much at times.  I have had a number of “melt downs” the latest being on Friday when I locked myself out of the house as I was getting ready for work in the morning. I completely FREAKEd out and when that happens I typically call my mom- so while I was waiting 2 hours for my husband to come home to let me in I called my mom and lost it- she always gives good advice and she talked me down and ended our conversation by telling me to try not “pull the whole list out” which is what happens when I melt down- the whole list comes out with everything that feels wrong in my world. Unfortunately my list was already out and has been out for the last two weeks and quite honestly it is bringing me down!  I have spent far too many hours questioning, aching and feeling overwhelmed and after a couple of hours shedding tears on friday I decided this had to end.  I don't have a lot of answers right now but I do know that I have lots to be thankful for and like I have always done in times of struggle- I return to my core and I let myself get lost in creating and while I had lots of projects to work on this weekend I found time to get my hands dirty and spent time painting big (my fave!) and painting for the mere purpose of the process and it actually made me feel better :)  Now it is Monday and I am not sure if the 2 hour cry on Friday made me feel better or if I just needed to reach the bottom of my internal struggle and just give up on thinking so much and embrace the now.  


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